Feedback.The class and Rebecca Knapp (a short film expert) read my script and I was pleased to have mostly positive views. The fact that my script continues to keep you guessing makes it more appealing, rather than a date rape crime you expect it to be. However there were a few problems and alternatives that needed to be adjusted. One of them being that the script was to long. Although the jumpy structure from scene to scene helped keep you guessing, there were un-needed sections which could be removed, mainly being the second ‘Common Room’ scene which was there to show the audience he was going to ‘Coral’s’, yet could be cut down. Other sections are harder to remove text as it usually links to the outcome. Another major issue was with copy right. As I had used songs such as ‘Family Portrait’ and ‘Dance with my Father again’. Although they fit very well within the script and link to the topic it would be extremely expensive to get the copy right to use these songs, therefore I will have to create original music to fit within the piece. Also a simple error is to change the character’s ‘Boy One and Two’, to give them actual names. In addition the street name used- ‘26 Pinewood Avenue’, may be an actual house and could cause problems if the residents got offended, that is why I have decided to change it to my street address as I know, no issue will be raised.
The main issue people had though was with the context as it got slightly confusing at times. This means editing text and setting’s to allow and easier understanding. The first amendment could be to make the first scene with the pin board at ‘Coral’s’ house to allow a connection. I decided to use the silk dressing gown ‘Coral’ later wears to show it to be her pin board as it does not give to much away but tie’s her with the scene. The dialogue could be made cleverer to help make the context more understandable with more links between what the characters say and do, although this will be very difficult to create. One idea was to add into the scene in ‘Coral’s Living Room’ her searching ‘Jamie’ on the Internet to show that she is actually researching looking for him ,it is not just coincidence they meet as that is extremely un-realistic. This linking with ‘Coral’ looking for his profile should make it more obvious to the audience that she wants to find this particular boy. A further misleading point is the dates given about ages, as I did not think too much into this initially, I found that they did not make sense as the ages were not suitable for the ‘Dad, Jamie and Coral’ to match real life patterns.
From the comments I was given I have re-drafted my script to make the improvements needed and hopefully make it easier to understand. If made I do think that this would be possible as you can visualize everything that is happening therefore easier to take in. The comments were very fair and have shown that getting others to read your script is very important as they see mistakes you cannot.
2rd Draft of my Script...
I have made all the improvement I mentioned in my feedback and have given the piece and front page with the title and information needed. Obviously the script is not perfect and will need a lot of work if chosen to be produced. Plus it is a very complex piece which would require a lot of time, set changes, actuate casting, and effects- with the online conversation, which would need to be discussed in detail before making a definite decision. Also more editing could be done to improve the text which would make it shorter.
After reading all the scripts the two were chosen. Although mine was a strong contender it would be extremely difficult to produce with the budget and equipment at school. Also casting would be a major problem and the script would need to be carefully amended as it was slightly confusing and un-predictable with the context and ages of people. Despite this I am pleased my was considered.
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